I have been debating whether or not to share a piece of my private life that has been impacting my business. Well, I saw that October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month so here goes nothing. For those of you that know me personally, you know that I have a history with miscarriages. To understand my recent struggles, you need to know where it all started…
The Anticipation
Back in 2011, I was pregnant for the first time. With our first appoint being just a couple days after Christmas, we decided to wrap up cute baby frames for our parents to open with everyone there. We took pictures of their puzzled and excited expressions as they figured out what their gifts meant. Then we had our appointment. Our doctor was very quiet as was the nurse while we anxiously waited to hear what they had to say. I was asked questions to ensure I was really weeks pregnant because our little one wasn’t as big as they were expecting, they were only measuring at about 8 weeks. Being small myself, it didn’t really dawn on me what this meant.
The Downward Spiral
Then they asked to bring in another doctor to take a look and this is when I started to worry. It was confirmed, there was no heartbeat. Oh gosh, I’m wiping away tears as I type this. Hearing both of those doctors tell me there wasn’t a heartbeat was the day I felt different. There was now a gaping hole in my heart and every time I saw a pregnant woman, baby or child it was like someone was pulling at the edges of the hole to make it larger. I didn’t know anyone that had gone through this. I felt alone. People would speak without thinking about how it would impact me. Off hand comments about trying again or something being wrong with my body would send me into tears for hours.
The Turning Point After My First Loss
One day a co-worker noticed my red eyes from crying and everything just spilled out. She let me talk for a long time about how my feelings spiraled from sadness to anger and then she said the most surprising thing, “I understand.” Years ago, she had suffered a miscarriage and found the best way to heal was to talk about her experience. This was it, my first step toward crawling out of the darkness. That day I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t be silent; I would there for other grieving mothers during their darkest hour. As time passed, I had two rainbow children to bring light to my days and it seemed like this promise would be easy to keep, until COVID hit.
Screeching Halt
Staying home and in your bubble was important, which led to a huge disconnect from people. I was pregnant, but hadn’t told anyone about the pregnancy yet, then it happened again, another miscarriage. I tried hiding my physical and mental pain. Before I could even process everything, I was pregnant again and yet again I could add another tally mark to the miscarriage column. I honestly don’t remember much of the last year. Between the time spent dealing with morning sickness, loss, and recovery, I was a pile of mush. Hiding my pain took every ounce of strength I had. My camera was no longer attached to my hands. I stopped editing, answering my phone, or even looking at emails. See when I take pictures of your family, I’m creating memories (for you & me) that last a lifetime and I guess deep down, I didn’t want to create memories. I wanted to forget, forget the pain of the hopes and dreams that once again wouldn’t come true.
Bring Awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Now you may be wondering why I’m sharing this, well my point is to again share that miscarriages are not your fault, your body isn’t broken, your loss isn’t retribution for something in your past. You are NOT alone. I am 1 in 4. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, I am here to listen to your story. I hope you are able to get your rainbow baby (whether through pregnancy or adoption). I want you to have the family of your dreams.
With love,
Nicki
Resources
To learn more about pregnancy and infant loss or for support visit:
https://starlegacyfoundation.org/awareness-month/
https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/awarenessmonth/
https://pregnancyafterlosssupport.org/get-involved/pail-awareness-month-know-our-babies/